Welcome To Bristol, We’re Happy To Have You Here – As Long As You’re Not A C**t
I don’t just love Bristol, I’m literally in love with her – and that’s not me overusing the word “literally” in the West Country way. I’d take Bristol out on a date, treat her right nice, marry her and make her happy for the rest of her life. I am in love with Bristol.
So, when you love someone you want to show them off, (unless you’re an odd arsehole who wants to keep your precious locked up for themselves – my precious) and I want to show Bristol off. I want people to come and visit us for a nice bite to eat, a few drinks, probably resulting in some rowdy fun behaviour and copious amounts of cider!
I want EVERYONE to experience how great she is, I want people to move here and make her their home. I want them to open amazing businesses that I love, I want some gentle gentrification done sensitively, Bristol and I have no time for judgement… unless you’re a cunt. Bristol is strictly a no cunt zone and there are some very simple rules to follow if you want to live here and get on just fine.
Just be nice mother fucker
If I smile at you, how about smiling back? I don’t want to cut you. Bristol is a small place and you will realise soon enough that you’ll start recognising faces and faces will recognise you back! So if you continue to ignore my pleasant smiles, I’m going to get annoyed. Plus, it’s just not bringing that big Bristol community we’re so proud of. This point can be ignored in certain situations: Smiling at people on the number 77 bus or on Turbo Island when the day has gone a bit sideways can be excused.
Be part of the community you twat
Bristol is a big, beautiful community, so let’s keep it that way! That means getting to know people that live in your community, and not just that person you like who lives a few doors down. Bristol still has a long way to go when it comes to being fully multicultural and integrated. We’re trying, but the sad fact is that the rich and the poor can often live side by side and do fuck all to make each other better. Likewise, religious groups or people of colour are treated differently, often shitly. That ain’t cool. Rather than thinking we’re this amazingly diverse city, let’s take a step back and realise we’re just as shit as anywhere, start organising community events and generally not being a knob- cool!?
The food scene in Bristol is amazing
Just don’t lose your fucking shit over it yeah? A venue closing is sad, really sad! I don’t want anyone to pour their heart into a venture to see it not turn out as they want. THIS DOES NOT MEAN THE FOOD SCENE IN BRISTOL IS FAILING. Likewise, there needs to be something for everyone. Fancy, mid-range and Slix, they all have their place (especially Slix at four in the morning).
Bristol used to be a bit shit and we fucking liked it that way so please don’t change us too much
I love meeting people from all over the world. I love that they come to Bristol to make her their home. I don’t even mind people from London coming here (shhh I’m joking). I, in fact am not from Bristol, my family are but i’m a girl who actually grew up in the countryside (I’m still fucking West Country though, yeah).
However, Bristol is not an extension of London, don’t try and make it one. Bristol is lush, she’ll down 10 pints of cider, have a jolly in town and then piss herself outside of Slix and she’s totally cool with that! The shitness of Bristol bred an amazingly creative music scene (nothing to do with how much weed gets smoked here, honest), an awesome arts scene (as before, nothing to do with the green) and creative events and pop-ups shoved wherever possible. And we don’t want that to stop, so let’s not rest on the fact that Bristol might be a bit more awesome now. She’s still a shit old tramp and you better work hard to make sure she doesn’t vomit on you.
Pretty fucking simple right? It’s all about not being a dickhead, being nice to your fellow humans, celebrating independence but not persecuting people who don’t buy into the same ideas as you do. Or in other words, it’s the Big Bristol Love in. Come on in, we’ve got a pint of cider waiting for you.
The Alternative Bristol Tourist Information
Sometimes you need a little different Bristol tourist information
New to Bristol or just swinging by for a visit? You might just need a bit of alternative Bristol tourist information. Everyone knows about the great things to do in Bristol, Clifton Suspension Bridge, Balloon Fiesta, St Pauls Carnival etc. But there’s so much more you can see here!
Before you begin, watch this amazing video of Bristol life to get you started:
So massages aren’t what they necessarily seem in Stokes Croft
Bristol seagulls are outrageously massive and kebab hungry. Hold your sandwich otherwise you will lose it!
Bristol is a mad ting. I just saw a girl get her sandwich jacked by a seagull. #gully
— Starborn Se7en (@houseofel_uk) September 11, 2015
There are tiny little pubs like the Swan with Two Necks where there’s actually Natch on tap
Oh yeah, Natch, it’s this cider drink, you really should try it… if you like Frosty Jacks.
Be very careful about having a stag do in Bristol. It might not end well
There’s a place in Stokes Croft called ‘Turbo Island’. You’ll normally find something unusual going on there like this:
Or occasionally a free rave
Speaking of Stokes Croft, if you’re planning on moving to Bristol to build another Tesco, you might not want to do it here
You’re probably going to visit the Clifton Suspension Bridge but make sure you go down the shiny rock slide
No night out in Bristol is complete without a visit to the Grecian, it’s actually the law.
Bristol also has a whole host of unusual but brilliant buskers, like this guy
But most famously Jeff the Big Issue seller. You’ll usually see him singing in Stokes Croft or at the top of Park Street
In between ‘me babber’ & ‘gert lush’ you may find it difficult to understand everyone. Just give Terry the Odd Job Man’s Bristolian language lessons a try
Alternatively you can even learn how to talk Bristolian at a game of Bristol bingo… featuring chicken wings!
No matter how tired you get walking around Bristol, do not sleep in a bath
If you have to call the police, just make sure it’s for a real issue
If you go to any gig in Bristol you will run into Big Jeff. FACT
— NOISEY (@NoiseyMusic) June 14, 2015
You’ll also learn that Bristol’s got some pretty interesting news headlines…
Skins was filmed here, but more importantly this scene from Only Fools and Horses
Bristol has lots of unusual facts, like being the birth place of Ribena!
Oh yeah, there’s a pub called Bag of Nails where you can pet cats!
Most of the buses are from First Bus. And they’ve got a very vocal ‘fan base’. In fact there’s 5 different Twitter accounts set up about how much people hate them!
There’s also a bus that runs on human poo…
— Robbt (@erisbright) July 7, 2015
Bristol’s famously a cycling city, sometimes you’ll even see hundreds of naked cyclists
You may end up in a lovely little place called ‘The Bearpit’
Just watch out for it’s local wildlife
There’s a mayor with red trousers. He get’s a bit of stick
— Steve Collins (@SteveJCollins) September 3, 2015
If you end up in a Gloucester Road cafe you may run into the creatures called ‘Bishopston Mums’
— Anna (@anna0driscoll) July 1, 2015
There’s a very well off area called ‘Clifton’, but the Cliftonaires are a strange bunch. Occasionally using tanks to oppose parking changes
The good people of Clifton in Bristol drove a 25-tonne tank around the streets in protest after big parking row. pic.twitter.com/s7GANq54lJ
— Geoff Randall (@Geoff55R) April 14, 2014
You may end up on a strange place called ‘The Triangle’, where students can be seen chundering over their tinder dates outside Mbargos. Venture a bit further and you’ll find the best named place to eat in Bristol
Only 1 thing is certain in Bristol. Walk through Broadmead and you will find the Broadmead preacher
Like Doctor Who? Well you can even take a shite in a Tardis toilet in Bristol
— grumpy man (@Baddileyram) December 21, 2014
If you see someone wandering around with a beard, large glasses and a craft beer in their hand they may be one of the common ‘Bristol Hipsters’
If you get lost, don’t worry! Bristol’s got some of the best named streets in the world
Just remember, there’s also a strict door policy in operation in most Bristol clubs
Hopefully this Bristol tourist information has you convinced and you’re now ready to move to Bristol. For those still wavering, just look at how darn sexy this city is
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